Inquiry Clears Shteeble’s Multi User Shofar As Cause For Cold Sore Outbreak

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Warning: The Following is Satire and Written by Esteemed Staff Writer: Zaydeegaga
Shofar blowers at Landau’s shteeble in Flatbush breathed (blew?) a sigh of relief after virologists at Maimonides Hospital concluded that the outbreak of cold sores that had struck several tooters in recent days was not related to their use of the same shofar.
“It was not pretty,” said Bernie Bloom, one of the Landau regulars. “One of the early minyan shofar guys brought a bottle of Purell to shul and insisted on dipping the shofar mouthpiece into it prior to use. That turned the shofar sound into a screech! Purell bits were flying everywhere! The guys from the other minyanim were furious and refused to touch their lips to anything that was Purell coated.”
“I didn’t get it,” added Howard Kravitz, another regular. “Our fathers and grandfathers, and so on all the way back to the time of the Bet Hamikdash blew shofar without Purell and never got a cold sore. Why blame the shofar now?”
After several days battle lines were drawn in the shteeble, with tensions on the rise between the Sympathizers and the Sterilizers. The Rav saw no other option but to call in the virology team from Maimonides to test the shofars for the presence of the cold sore virus. The SWAB (SWAT?) team arrived and took samples from the shofars, as well  from shnopps glasses, the coffee room equipment, the refrigerator contents,, and from the mikva. They announced their findings at a emergency shul meeting Sundaynight. “There was no virus in the shofar. We found it in a half empty 2 liter Coke bottle. We suspect backwash. From now on, please encourage all shulgoers to drink only from disposable paper cups.”
After the meeting the virologist told me, “Listen, I supported the state ban on mitzitza b’peh. But that’s about protecting babies. These are adults.  They can take care of themselves.”

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