WARNING: The Following Article is Satirical in Nature 

The popular Seasons Kosher Supermarket with busy stores located in several New York and New Jersey sites today opened another branch in Pikesville Maryland, in a busy shopping area midway between the Ner Israel Yeshiva, the Talmudical Academy, and the Orthodox neighborhoods adjacent to Pikesville.

The store has been open only one day and has already generated controversy-should customers coming from the Park Heights neighborhood make a potentially dangerous left turn from the very busy Reisterstown Road into the store parking lot, or should caution prevail as they choose the alternative drive down Old Court Road until Naylor’s Lane and then make two easy right turns to enter the lot.

Disagreements were overheard among shoppers, who paused in the midst of their quibbles to ooh and ahh at the displays of produce, prepared foods and sushi, as well as at the free coffee dispensed from a machine that was downright Eichensteinian. The store’s general manager declined to take a position on the subject and felt that ultimately Baltimoreans would use the safer route, and those from the New York area would go with the quicker risk laden left turn.

The store’s opening also raised a number of questions, first and foremost, what kind of name is Seasons for a supermarket?

It would make more sense as the name of a clothing store, or better, a weather monitoring equipment store. One customer wondered if Seasons was the name of the owner, or perhaps the name of the street that the original store was located on, she was told no on both counts.

Another asked if the intended name was perhaps a shortened spelling of Seasonings, which would make a little more sense. Again the answer no. The general manager was again asked to comment and declined.

Two questions were raised by customers regarding the timing of the store’s grand opening. Was it coincidental that the store’s first day was right after the solar eclipse, or was the store sending a veiled message to other supermarkets in the area that it meant to ‘eclipse’ their sales and service?

Others wondered if a grand opening on Rosh Chodesh Elul might entice people away from the more important spiritual duites of the month into the tempting shopping aisles of the store. More practical types pointed out that three ‘three day’ holidays were fast approaching and what better way to show religious devotion than to prepare well in advance for the coming festive meals?

Finally, some customers expressed disapproval of the crisp white oxford shirts worn by the store’s workers. Many of them had sons in local yeshivas who, although a minority, preferred to wear blue shirts on weekdays. Would the fact that even supermarket workers wore white shirts place undue pressure on these yeshiva boys, already stressed by their difficult schedules and even more difficult dress codes? For now, the general manager said there are no plans to change the uniform shirt to blue.

 

(Zaydee Gaga)







26 COMMENTS

  1. How dare they open a competiteing store with 7 mile. They have always been loyal no matter what to the community and in comes a NYer to steal parnassah away from 7 mile.

  2. Did i just get dumber cause i have no clue whats going on – its like being at a wedding and not knowing anyone – ummm how does this affect my live in 5 towns

  3. Your article on Seasons opening in Baltimore is nasty, not funny, and potentially harmful. PLEASE REMOVE IT!!-I tried to send this as an email to Only Simchas directly but got an error message so posting it hear instead.
    As a former New Yorker and long time Baltimorean, I am appalled by the article, especially right before Rosh Hashana. Baltimore is thrilled for Seasons to be here and Seasons is thrilled to be in Baltimore. Why taint the opening of a kosher supermarket meant to accommodate the growing frum population in Baltimore with offensive comments. The writer’s cynical remarks are not humorous and completely unnecessary. I hope that Only Simchas recognizes when their writers article’s are insensitive and reflect negatively on the website itself. I am sure your Baltimore readership do not appreciate such a negative and poorly written article. Myself, and several others who have seen it are disgusted and hope you remove it off your site ASAP!

  4. is u dont like it – sont shop there…..but u dont have to announce your feelings–no one asked you raise your pathetic concerns to everyone!I am from Baltimore and we all love Seasons!

  5. Stupidity! What a waste of time. What are you guys doing posting this article to begin with? Was it written by a first grader?

  6. competition only has one winner THE CUSTOMERS who spend their hard earned money and look to save a couple of bucks.get a life you whiners.

  7. What does onlysimchas have against seasons?

    Is this Purim? I can’t honestly believe this was written as anything but a satire

  8. what is this persons problem!!!!!!!!!!! she must definetly be a SNOWFLAKE!!!!!!! maybe she is one of the reasons the yeshivas are having these issues. get a life

  9. Definitely ridiculous and offensive article. Only Simchos should remove this rubbish. People’s parnassah on the line, wrote about something that affects your own parnassah.

  10. It appears than a single individual was offended by this obviously satirical article and simply backed themselves up with more “anonymous” comments.

  11. Guys relex.parnasa is from robin haolamim.umzonotav shel Adam ktzuvim lo merosh Hashanah ad rosh Hashanah. Non of us need to talk like that. This all article was not necessary. Have a gmar chtima tova. We be live you do your best and that all what you can do

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here